5 mistakes teams make during difficult conversations
Most teams do not struggle because people lack good intentions. They struggle because certain things remain unsaid.
Perhaps one colleague regularly interrupts others. Someone agrees during the meeting but does something different afterwards. Deadlines are missed, irritation grows and people start discussing each other instead of talking to each other.
Eventually, someone decides that it is time for an honest conversation.
That is a good start. But simply putting the issue on the table does not guarantee a constructive outcome. Especially in an international team, where people may have very different ideas about directness, hierarchy, emotions and what respectful communication looks like.
Here are five common mistakes teams make and what you can do instead.
1. Going straight to the problem
When something has been bothering you for a while, you may want to be very clear:
“You are too dominant.”
“You never listen.”
“You always say yes, but then you do something else.”
It may feel honest, but it immediately puts the other person on the defensive. The conversation starts with a conclusion, rather than with curiosity.
In an international team, this can be even more sensitive. What one person sees as confidently sharing an opinion, another may experience as taking over the conversation. What sounds clear and efficient to a Dutch colleague may sound blunt or personal to someone else.
Start by exploring what is happening together:
“How do we feel about the way we communicate as a team?”
“Does everyone have enough space to contribute?”
“What happens after we have made a decision?”
These questions make it possible to examine the pattern without immediately blaming one person.
2. Allowing the loudest voices to lead the conversation
When tension increases, people often start talking more. They explain, repeat and try harder to convince others.
The result is usually that confident speakers take up even more space, while quieter team members withdraw. This does not mean they have nothing to say. They may need more time to think, may feel uncomfortable interrupting or may come from a culture where openly disagreeing with a manager is unusual.
A good conversation is not one in which the most confident person wins. It is one in which different perspectives can be heard.
As a team, you can slow the conversation down and actively invite everyone to contribute. Ask people one by one what they see. Give them time to think and acknowledge their contribution, even when you do not immediately agree with it.
Being invited to speak is not always enough. People must also feel that it is safe to tell the truth.
3. Spending too much time on the past
A difficult conversation often begins with examples of what went wrong. That is understandable. People want to explain what happened and why they are frustrated.
Looking back can help the team understand the problem, but staying there too long drains the energy from the conversation. Team members start defending earlier choices and comparing different versions of events.
At some point, the team needs to turn towards the future:
“What would we like to see instead?”
“What do we need from each other?”
“What agreement can we make for the next meeting?”
You cannot change what has already happened, but you can decide what you want to do differently from now on.
4. Forgetting the shared goal
Different roles naturally create different priorities. Sales may want to move quickly, while Operations worries about capacity. A manager may focus on results, while team members need clarity or support.
These interests are not necessarily wrong, but they can take over the conversation when they remain unspoken.
This is why difficult conversations should regularly return to the shared goal:
“What are we trying to achieve together?”
“What does the team need to succeed?”
“What would a good outcome look like for all of us?”
The shared goal does not remove individual differences. It gives the team a reason to work through them.
5. Ignoring emotions
Emotions do not disappear because they are not mentioned.
You may hear irritation in someone’s voice, notice that a colleague becomes unusually quiet or feel the tension rise in the room. Many teams respond by making a joke, changing the subject or moving to the next agenda item.
Usually, the tension remains.
Try naming what you notice without deciding what the other person feels:
“I notice that the energy in the room has changed. What is happening?”
“You have become quiet. Is there something you would like us to understand?”
“I can feel some tension. Can we pause and look at where that is coming from?”
Emotions often contain useful information. Frustration may point to an unmet need, uncertainty or a feeling of not being heard. Once that becomes clear, the team can discuss what is actually needed.
Difficult conversations are part of good teamwork
A strong team is not a team without tension. It is a team that knows how to work with tension when it appears.
That requires curiosity, patience and the willingness to listen before trying to solve the problem. In international teams, it also requires awareness that behaviour does not have the same meaning for everyone.
You do not need to handle every difficult conversation perfectly. But you can learn to notice the patterns, ask better questions and create enough space for people to say what needs to be said.
And that is often where better teamwork begins.
This blog was inspired by the article “De vijf meest gemaakte fouten bij lastige gesprekken in teams” by Gytha Heins, published by Boom Management.
